Relationship Enhancement Skills for Couples

Intro to Relationship Enhancement Skills

Relationship Enhancement Therapy (RET) teaches couples, families, and pretty much anyone skills to better communicate feelings to others and work together to develop coping strategies. I'm gonna teach you the two core skills - because they capture the essence of successful communication. But, before we dive in, here are some:

Ground Rules

- Do not compare your relationship to others or to idealized standards!

- Make sure you are in "mutual understanding" mode - not attack-defend mode.

- Keep it short. Our working memory can only handle 7 bits of information at a time (+ or - 2).

- Do not threaten to end the relationship or use other forms of manipulation or coercion.

- Have weekly meetings to check in with each other and discuss any issues or concerns.

- TIMEOUTS. Use timeouts during arguments to calm down and avoid escalation (make sure you set a time to come back to the discussion and actively self-soothe when you are apart).

- Do not argue in front of others, especially children, as it can harm them emotionally.

- Be willing to compromise and find solutions that address both of your concerns and desires.

- Be supportive and encouraging of each other's growth and change.

Key Insight: Change Argue-Defend with Mutual Empathy

Before we get into the specific skills that lead to breakthroughs, it is helpful to see the essential shift that you are making as a couple. Here are some visual images to help:

This first image shows the contrast between these two modes of communication marked by either an X or a Heart shape. The following shows you how to recognize when you are in the X-mode:

You can recognize attack-defend mode because you are operating out of self-protective mindsets at a conscious level, marked by either being critical, persecutory, hyperrational - or by being childishly defensive, meeting complaint with counter-complaint, denying responsibility, or using some other form of excuse. The result of these interactions at a deeper, emotional level? Distance. Lack of emotional bonding and connection.

Here is the alternative mode, which will be discussed more in the skills section of the article.

In contrast, here is a visual that summarizes what couples work toward when they are communicating in a healthy, vulnerable manner. Criticism is replaced with complaint (respectful complaint), and defensiveness is replaced with validation, helpful listening, and taking responsibility. The result is an experience of bonding, where the triggering issue and the even the "conflict" become a source of bonding and restored connection.

Core Skills

Back to Relationship enhancement therapy (RET). There are some core skills and ancillary skills taught in the therapy. I like teaching two of these skills especially - the expressive skill and the empathic skill.

Expressive Skill

Before using the expressive skill - also called the owning expressive skill - it is important to know the purpose and benefits of this skill. The owning expressive skill helps you to promote a spirit of cooperation and to express yourselves openly, honestly and clearly, and in a manner designed to minimize defensiveness (on the part of the other), maximize receptivity to hearing your point of view, and to resolving an issue constructively. This skill involves using "I" statements instead of "you" statements, avoiding blame and judgment, stating your feelings and needs clearly, and making specific requests for change.

Formula

The formula for the owning expressive skill is:

- Start with "I feel" or "I felt" and state your emotion (e.g., angry, hurt, sad, happy, etc.).

- Follow with "when" or "because" and state the specific behavior or situation that triggered your emotion (e.g., you yelled at me, you forgot our anniversary, you hugged me, etc.).

- End with "I need" or "I want" and state your request for change or affirmation (e.g., I need you to lower your voice, I want you to remember our special dates, I want you to hug me more often, etc.).

Examples

Some examples of owning expressive statements are:

- I feel angry when you interrupt me while I'm talking. I need you to listen patiently and wait for your turn to speak.

- I felt hurt because you didn't invite me to your party. I want you to include me in your plans and value our friendship.

- I feel happy when you compliment me on my work. I want you to keep supporting me and acknowledging my efforts.

Tips to improve your self-expression

Some ways to improve your owning expressive skill are:

- Identify and label your own emotions accurately and honestly. Go beyond words like hurt or frustrated, and use words like unappreciated, left out, ignored, neglected, emotionally unsafe, etc.

- Avoid phrases such as "I feel like you are...." The words "I feel" must be followed by a feeling word or state of mind.

- Take responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and avoid blaming or accusing your partner for them. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements, and avoid words like "always" or "never".

- State your feelings and needs clearly, respectfully, without exaggeration or distortion. Use specific and concrete examples to illustrate your point, and avoid vague or abstract terms.

Making requests

- State your request for change or affirmation in a positive and constructive way, without demanding or threatening. Use words like "I need" or "I want", and avoid words like "you should" or "you must".

Be open to feedback and negotiation from your partner, and listen to their feelings and needs as well. Try to find a solution that works for both of you, and be willing to compromise or adjust your request if needed.

When one spouse is expressing, the other spouse is listening for understanding (not for the purpose of explaining themselves or making a counter-complaint). They listen so they can respond with the other skill: the empathic skill (will go over this soon).

However, what if the other person doesn’t listen, or becomes defensive?

Dealing with defensiveness and resistance….

- Acknowledge and empathize with your partner's feelings and perspective. Show that you understand where they are coming from. For example, "You feel frustrated because you think I'm being unreasonable. Is that right?"

- Validate their positive intentions and efforts, and show that you appreciate them. For example, "I know you're trying your best to make me happy." or "I'm grateful for everything you do for me."

- Reassure them of your love and commitment, and show that you are not trying to hurt or control them. For example, "I love you and I want us to be happy together." or "I'm not trying to change who you are, I just want to improve our communication." This “reassurance” behavior during conflict is a feature of lasting marriages according to research.

- Explain the reason and benefit of your request for change or affirmation, and show that it is not a personal attack or criticism. For example, "I need you to lower your voice because it makes me feel scared and disrespected." or "I want you to hug me more often because it makes me feel loved and secure."

- Invite your partner to share their feelings and needs, and listen to him or her empathically and respectfully. For example, "How do you feel about my request?" or "What do you need from me?"

- Negotiate a solution that works for both of you, and be willing to compromise or adjust your request if needed. For example, "Can we agree on a signal that tells us when we need to lower our voice?" or "Can we hug each other at least once a day?"

Empathic Skill

Again, ideally the listener is able to reflect the underlying feelings expressed by the person using the expressive skill. This can be done using the empathic skill. The formula for the empathic skill is:

- Start with "You feel" or "You felt" and state the emotion that you think they are feeling or felt (e.g., angry, hurt, sad, happy, etc.).

- Follow with "when" or "because" and state the specific behavior or situation that you think triggered your partner's emotion (e.g., I yelled at you, I forgot our anniversary, I hugged you, etc.).

- End with "Is that right?" to check for accuracy and understanding.

Examples

Some examples of empathic statements are:

- You feel angry when I interrupt you while you're talking. Is that right?

- You felt hurt because I didn't invite you to my party. Is that what's going on?

- You feel happy when I compliment you on your work.

How to improve empathy?

Some ways to improve your empathy and avoid making assumptions are:

- Listen attentively and actively to your partner's words, tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions. Try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine how they might feel in that situation.

- Ask open-ended questions to clarify or explore their feelings and perspective. For example, "What made you feel that way?" or "How did that affect you?"

- Reflect back what you heard and understood from their message. Use the empathic skill formula to summarize their emotion and the reason for it, and check for accuracy and understanding. For example, "You feel sad because I didn't call you yesterday. Is that right?"

- Validate the other's feelings and show that you care and respect them. For example, "I can see why you feel that way." or "That must have been hard for you."

"Validating" is doubly powerful when it goes hand in hand with "taking responsibility."

Let's slow down and give a special tip especially for men: find something you can take responsibility for, or at least validate that they are not crazy for feeling the way they do.

Keep in mind three things:

1. The opposite of validating is invalidating - not good for a relationship.
2. The opposite of taking responsibility is defensiveness, meeting a complaint with a counter-complaint. If you are playing the victim in response to a complaint, you may be suffering from a condition called "immaturity," or possibly something deeper that needs professional help.
3. What's even worse than the first two is gaslighting - completely denying something or making it seem like the other person is crazy for taking something a certain way.

- Avoid judging, criticizing, blaming, or minimizing your partner's feelings or experience. For example, "You shouldn't feel that way." or "That's not a big deal."

- Avoid giving advice, solutions, or opinions unless your partner asks for them. For example, "You should do this." or "I think you're wrong." Men typically try to "fix," but women do this as well.

The outcome of these skills is mutual understanding, and a clarity about root causes of conflict that leads to problem-solving. Stick to the skills. Don't problem-solve before getting to understanding of the core feelings involved.

Problems applying the core skills

What if these don’t work and things escalate?

There’s probably some psychological defenses getting involved, in either or both of you. One intervention to try is to ask the defensive part(s) of you to stand down so you can use the skills. It’s easy to go into default reactive mode (marked by argue-defend dynamics). Another intervention is the time out skill, where you both separate for a set time and self soothe (not stew) until you can come back to the issue being more calm. Seek out a professional if you are having a hard time still. This is an opportunity for deeper healing for one or both of you...where there are defenses, there are always wounds to be healed.

Taking it to a deeper level - a Catholic level

Let's make this more Catholic. For married couples: remember, you have access to grace through the sacrament of marriage. This grace can help you by activating and strengthening virtues to help you in this communication. Here are some examples of virtues that can help you apply these skills:

Patience - to not interrupt

Courage - to surface important relationship issues

Prudence - in establishing the right context to bring up issues; choosing the right words

Temperance - in not overwhelming the other

Compassion - in being able to be empathic and understand other's perspective

Hope - by experiencing "we are working together"

Perseverance - through difficulty of ongoing work

Humility - admitting that you are an imperfect human being with defenses and wounds that can get triggered, and in acknowledging the inner strengths and resources you do have that can be helpful.

Problems more severe?

Some signs that your communication problems are getting severe or chronic are:

- Arguments escalate into shouting, name-calling, insults, or physical violence.

- You eventually stop even trying to talk about your feelings and needs, resulting in emotional distance, resentment, or loss of intimacy.

- You have chronic difficulty resolving conflicts or reaching agreements, leading to repeated or unresolved issues and dissatisfaction.

- You and your partner have lost trust, respect, or affection for each other, and feel hopeless, unhappy, or trapped in your relationship. Contempt is present.

- Unhealthy coping strategies are rampant - such as substance abuse, infidelity, isolation, or withdrawal.

Hope this article is helpful. Peace.

Sources (ten years coaching couples and individuals in these skills, as well as):

Relationship Enhancement Therapy. https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/relationship-enhancement-therapy

The Relationship Enhancement® Model and the 10 RE Skills. https://nire.org/research-on-relationship-enhancement-and-filial-methods/the-relationship-enhancement-model-and-the-10-re-skills/.

10 Ground Rules For Couples Therapy That Every Couple Should Know About. https://www.calmsage.com/ground-rules-for-couples-therapy/.